ok so i have more relationship gist but that's for later on in the evening or maybe tomorrow. i just broke my fast and i am feeling way too full to be typing plenty.

however...

i was talking to my cousin today and she brought my attention to this new girl band from gh.
girl band? gh? yeah i know it's a shocker! considering the stupid drama you hear happening between legon girls and co you wouldn't think that any gh girls would be willing to share a limelight but actually i thought wrong.
i dont really know where and how they found their way into the studio but thank God they did as i think they are a fresh breeze in gh music's hamattan. as much as i love all the new things the boys are doing for gh music i feel it's so cool that there's an all girl group.
their first single is called good girl gone bad and as much as its a bit cliche and the dance moves are a bit typical i believe that lynx (their record label) did quite well signing these girl as i must admit that i have been singing the hook to this song all day (even if it is in ewe).
the video quality is pretty ace too, costumes werent all perfect in my humble opinion but whoever directed this video needs to send his contact details to stay jay...

which brings me to my next topic...

stay jay's twaame lala video. hm where do i start?
as far as i can see there is no comprehendable plot to this particular piece.
first of all i dont get the whole 'summer time, chilling on the ball court' vibe coz it doesn't go with the song. also why has twaame lala suddenly been turned into an azonto tune? just because azonto seems to be selling right now dont mean EVERY video by every artist needs to have azonto dancers in them but if you must at least get good ones eh. oh stay jay! isnt the whole point of azonto that it shouldnt be choreographed? mm maybe i'm mistaking.
and the girls in the multicolour leggings, oh lawd!!! kmt you know what i wont talk again. you watch the vid yourself and judge it on your own accord before they say i talk to much. me and my basket mouth. enjoy!

Act like a lady...think about what you need!

Hey guys so for a while now I’ve wanted to do some more random posting. Structural thinking just isn’t for me as I hardly keep up with schedule (that however doesn’t mean I don’t get stuff done).

I’ve been posting about specific aspects of my life on this blog but for a while now I haven’t really been able to pin point anything to talk about and besides that, my topics tend to overlap anyway so what better solution than just to be random eh? :P

Well, so I just finished watching ‘act like a lady, think like a man’ and yes I know I am late but bear with me. I am not going to give you a synopsis coz they are boring and if you are planning on watching it then me telling you everything that happens will spoil the fun. I won’t lie and say that the movie is anything extraordinary. It’s your usual kind of chick flick to be honest – boy meets girl, girl falls in love, boy has some sort of personal fault that keeps the relationship from blossoming, girl tries to change him, it back fires, girl realises she needs to make some changes herself, they both compromise and live happily ever after (so much for no synopsis eh lol)

It was entertaining because it had a few jokes however I won’t say that they were out of the norm.

The reason why I wrote this post after watching it was because in the last scene of the movie I kinda came to a realisation. Some women don’t know what they need.

Ok let me explain, recently I have been battling with the all time question that almost every girl (with standards) has to deal with at some point: do I go for the guy that is willing to get serious (even if it is a little fast) and put a ring on it and make an honest woman out of me, who is willing to look after me and wants nothing more than to make me his wife and give me his babies or do I choose the guy that makes me happy but might not be as financially or emotionally stable? Mind you they both love you and care very much but the major difference is ...well, see there isn’t any difference between them. Bare with me here.

Getting married to someone committed and stable that look after and protect us is every woman’s dream right? Well, so is being happy! Question is how do you define happiness and what brings it? Essentially both guys are the same because they could both (in theory) give you the kind of life you need...provided that you know what you need! Yes, we’ve established that you want to happy, we all do. But as a unique woman, one that is different from any other female in the world (emphasised for those ladies that think comparing yourself to your girlfriend is appropriate in matters of the heart) what do you NEED to make you happy. The answer to that can be very different to what you want to make you happy.

I used to think I should be happy when a guy buys me gifts and takes me out shopping. You know the typical African sugar daddy tip kinda thing. I actually wanted it to be so. I wanted to be the kinda woman that isn’t satisfied until her man gets her diamonds and pearls. I wanted to be the kind of girl that would never fall for a guy that isn’t a graduate. You might think that is crazy but a lot of girls out there think exactly the same. They make themselves want things they don’t need and why? Because everyone tells 'em to. Because apparently it doesn’t matter how much your man loves you if your friends are going to parade the Gucci and Prada their men got for them. We make ourselves want things that don’t actually make any difference to me. I for one have dated guys that would jump through hoops for me. I was once the girl that got picked up from school in a slick car, went shopping every day after school  etc but the man in question did not make me happy because the things I NEEDED to make me happy wasn’t in that particular guy.

This brings me back to the movie. One of the characters is a wealthy, independent young lady who happens to have fallen for a guy that is chef/valet parker/waiter, you know, the temp. She tries to work around what he does at first but when she meets an ex who happens to be a big time CEO she changes the tune again thinking that he would be better for her. On what grounds? They are more similar. Every woman’s downfall ‘we are not compatible’ kmt that phrase irritates the fudge out of me. Yeah I understand that you have some people in the world that are lucky enough to find partners who are very similar to them but have you ever noticed that they tend to be very average people? Extremes don’t work well together a lot of the time. If you as a woman work in management, earning six figures, you’re unlikely to get on with someone who does a similar job. You might get on fine and have a lot of things to talk about but think about it – if you can’t fit him into your schedule half the time what makes you think he can? Sometimes we need opposites to make is work especially if we have an extreme character. Let’s take the independent woman for example, in the movie at the end she says that ‘yes we are different but you make me feel special, I need someone to make me feel special’. That is what she needs and she recognised it. A lot of people don’t realise that different areas of our lives overlap. We are human after all and we only have one brain and one personality to matter how adaptive we are (provided we are not psychotic). If the reason you are so successful in life is because you always feel the need to be special, different, above everyone else then likelihood has it that you will need a man that makes you feel the same because that is how you are regardless of whether it’s in business or person. If you like attention and praise you will want it from everyone...simples!

We need to look into ourselves and really look for what we really need sometimes. This, by the way, also goes for guys. I love it when guys I know to be ‘adventurous’ in bed talk about how they can’t date a girl that isn’t a freak in  the sheets, however, many a times have they been offended when I have corrected them about some new ‘skill’ they tried on a girl and she didn’t like. Guys like that don’t like criticism coz they thrive on being sexual Adonis so why would you then ask for a similar woman that isn’t scared to put you in your place if it’s just going to offend you? Does it make sense to you? Didn’t think so.

Anyway I’m going to end this post now coz it’s getting kinda long but I’m sure this topic will come up again at some point in the future so keep your eyes peeled. 

Laterz xx

The eighth wonderfully weird but normal thing about me...

...until the age of 16 I thought I’d be married at my age.

Since I was 6 years years old I have been designing and altering my ultimate wedding dress. I would draw sketches and paint pictures in my head about the big day. Getting married, making a man happy and giving him beautiful kids has, if I am going to be completely honest, been my primary aim in life. I know it sounds stupid but I always was best at loving someone and making sure they were being taken care of ever since I was little. I knew that I would do a great job at loving and supporting my husband to the fullest and I knew this at a young age. Well, until I changed my mind anyway.

But if you think about it when you are little being 20 seems so old, I must have thought I would be done with uni or at least half way through and would have found some amazing intelligent prince charming in the campus library who sweeps me off my feet and proposes to me at his grad ball LOL according to those expectations my life has been a complete fail. Thinking about it when I was about 15 I realised it wasn’t going to be that easy.

My first proper relationship started when I was 15 and ended a few months before I turned 17, I was quite positive I would stay with him and meet my deadline but as life goes, it didn’t happen. I started to think about things more seriously. At the end of every relationship you tend to think about what went wrong, its what psychologists call grave dressing. I had accepted the change in circumstances but just had one last look at how things planned out. I realised that as much as I may be ready at 20 to get married, most guys in the world wont be. Apart from the fact that most guys in my age range still think like 15 year olds I realised, even then, that by the time I’m 20 the guys in my age range wont even be financially ready to get married. Even though at 17 I no longer dreamt of horse carriages an 24carrat diamonds I knew that I wanted my wedding to be beautiful and I wanted the last thing to affect my marriage to be financial strain. So that year I kinda resigned my self to the fact that I wasn’t going to meet my deadline. To make it worse however my crazy aunt (we all have one don’t we) actually confirmed the fact that I need to be married by the age of 21....it might have been a year more but it still didn’t look like a reasonable goal. It just wasn’t going to happen.

As time went by factor after factor just put me off marriage completely. Firstly my father died, I can confidently say that in all x-teen imaginations of my marriage ceremony my father was there to walk me down the isle. He would order people around and make sure all his friends were around to his little baby get married. I just didn’t see it happen any other way. As I grew up and getting closer to the time he died I startedd learning more about tradition and how the akan (the tribal group I originate from)celebratee marriages and being the AFF person that I am I knew I would have to have a traditional marriageas welll as a church wedding. Problem was, I now didn’t have a father and the only people that could represent him would be one of his brothers. Err thanks, but no thanks. I would rather have my society look at me as a woman of no virtue or worth and give myself to a man for free than have my bride price paid to one of my fathers brothers. Where they there when my brother in-laws had to pay my dads hospital bills? No, so they definately shouldnt even expect to receive my bride price. I'd rather die a spinster.

Over time I also lost trust in men in general and if you read 'the 7^th weird but normal thing about me' you will notice that for some time now I have found it hard to have relationships in general which is due to certain events in my life. I just started thinking well what’s the point in loving a man if they are just gonna leave you. I love my father unconditionally but he died and left me without a single good bye, then a few years later my uncle on my mothers side dies, he only person I could have seen as a replacement for my dad. I am not saying no man will ever love me, they loved me, but eventually they will live. God will call them up n with my luck it will probably be before I go which will just leave me on my own again so what’s the point.

There's also the big link between marriage and kids. For me having kids is going to be a gamble and without putting too much of my business out there (not like i aint done enough of that already) I can say that unless god shows his abundant mercies and blesses me, it ain’t gonna happen. I refuse to bind a man to me in any way whatsoever if I cant give him the joy of cradling a baby. I ain’t up for seeing him have babies by another woman, I probably wont leave him for cheating but if he gets another woman pregnant especially when I haven’t had any he will be the one leaving me ...in a casket! I have been trying to convince myself that maybe having kids might not be such a good idea anyway, I know its a lie, I know I would be a great mum, I have always been great with kids but I’d rather it be my decision than my disappointment. However, not wanting kids usually don’t go down well with most guys nowadays, you'd think they’d be happy but of course responsible men don’t just want a wife they want kids too and this will delay my getting married by a quite some time.

As time goes by and factors pile up I realise more and more that not only might it take much longer than 20years for me to find a soul mate but I might actually not find him at all

If I am going to be totally honest (I use that phrase a lot don’t I lol) I do still fantasise sometimes what it would be like to at least be engaged. To know someone wants to spend the rest of their life with me and that am going to have someone to drown in my love and that I will actually have someone to trust. I guess a lot of girls do, even those that try and act like guys ain’t shit and say they independent, I think even they would rather be in a strong pair of arms sometimes rather than at the club buying they own drinks. I guess its just a general human desire to want to be loved and taken care of by somebody special to you.

so in hindsight, wanting to have been married by 20 maybe slightly weird but is absolutely normal.

The seventh slightly weird but absolutely normal thing about me is

I am absolutely shambles at relationships

weird right? Well I guess that’s the whole point lol

I was actually on twitter and this guy was asking bout why its better to be in a relationship than single for his blog and I thought about sooo many reasons. First of which was the fact that for a girl, it means you are not riding up your mileage if u get what I mean but somehow I still cant convince myself to want to be with some one like that

funny thing I’ve got this friend who used to tell me all the time how she’s jealous because I seem to have a way of making guys fall in love with me and quite frankly I have noticed that there are a few qualities in me that might make a guy wanna wifey me. I assume one of them is the fact that I not only CAN cook but I actually enjoy it. As a matter of fact whenever am on a date n I mention the fact that I am not letting whoever I marry in the kitchen to cook (EVER!) I can almost see their little faces light up like they just did a little mental somersault. I have always loved cooking, mainly because I love eating lol and I find some kind of sick satisfaction in serving people food and seeing them full up and of course I enjoy the compliments. I enjoy being different and being told that I have done well to be such a great cook (especially of African dishes) at my age kinda makes me proud. I am also very specific at how I serve people food, especially the man I am with. First and foremost I always make sure the food is ready at the right time, provided I have access to his place in time. I wake up before him to make sure breakfast is ready by the time he comes out of the bathroom and I make it as requested by him, lunch usually varies depending on what we are doing that day but I always try to make sure dinner is done by approx. 8pm and its always a well rounded meal. Usually I bring it to him (or set the table with bowl for washing his hands in if appropriate) with a glass and a bottle of water. Lol thinking about it now I probably should be a housewife married to some polygamist in the village somewhere considering how AFF I sound but I just like to please my man like that an d they do say the best way to a man’s heart is his stomach. When I was living with my ex (another story all together) I would wake up extra early on a Sunday and bake just as a treat and honestly I loved doing it and still do.

Another thing is that I just love to pamper a guy, if you treat me like a queen I will do much more than to reciprocate the favour. I can get cheesy to the point of turning up at the door when you come from work in something sexy, run you a bath and by you/wash your back whilst you bathe, feed you, rub your back and then later on...well, we all know what happens later on ;)

it just so happens that above all this I am also a reasonably smart little girl and give good advice, I happen to be way too wise for my age which means people usually feel the need to ask me for advice. Most of the time I am able to think rationally about things and not let emotions get in my way which can be very useful to a guy with a bit of a temper but thinking about it it might be exactly this rational thinking that makes me rubbish at relationships.

I always think about things in the worst case scenario because I know that logically speaking everything is possible. I also never fully trust anyone because logically speaking everyone has the ability to betray me. I expect very little of a man because logically speaking he is bound to disappoint me. As a matter of fact I don’t remember the last time I was upset about someone cheating on me because I kinda expected it...men are driven by testosterone half the time so logically....am sure you get the drift.

The reason I do the things I do when I am in a relationship aren’t done because the person is special to me but rather because what I am doing is special. I give my man daily massages because I like giving them I am good at them and I enjoy the praise I get for giving them, i'd give a stranger a massage if he asked nicely and had a nice body lol. Some say this is a good thing but for me it just means that when the person I am with stops saying thank you or noticing the effort I am making and/or I get bored of what I am doing the relationship goes downhill. If I was doing these things because I love my man then I would keep doing them for him even when he’s being a dick head because I know I am making him happy, that however, is not my aim, I am trying to make me happy so when these 'little acts of love' stop exciting me then we kinda have a problem. I have been told that I am selfish because of the way I am and I do not deny that, unfortunately for many men out there I put my happiness before theirs and it might be pushing it to say that I expect whoever I am I am with to put my happiness before theirs too but that’s just how it is. I guess the lea way in all this is that I am open for conversion. If you can make me care about you enough to stop thinking logically and just committing to you emotionally then its all good but as said before, the only way to kinda do that is to let me know that even when I am being a heartless bitch (which I will at one point or the other) my happiness will still be your number one priority and then ill be more than happy to reciprocate.

Also, I think I am a little bit too independent. Some may call me cold but I really prefer the previously used word. I just don’t see any way of sharing my life with anyone else.

I have grown up to learn (the hard way) that it is your own and only your own responsibility to make something of yourself. To be quite frank I could make all the money in the world but if I didn’t make it on my own I would still not be satisfied. Don’t get me wrong I am not greedy, its not the fact that I don’t like to share material things but I just like to know that I got things done on my own without anybody's help. I have lived my life meeting people that may help you but will make it very clear to you that they are doing you a favour and you owe them, that without them you wouldn’t be anything. I would rather live in a council flat off benefits and starve than work for a person who fails not to remind me of how 'lucky' I am that they helped me. To be honest its not really anybody's fault, we are humans and we crave gratitude but I just don’t like giving it when I could have just done it on my own. Well, the way this relates to relationships is that I do not ask for favours, simple as. People think I am a gold-digger because I happen to receive nice gifts from people I have been with but honestly I am quite the opposite. As a matter of fact I have NEVER asked a man for money (other than the odd pound for some gum, don’t get picky people) or anything else really. What ever I ever received from anyone was either owed to me or given voluntarily. I wont deny accepting the gifts I was offered because honestly if I did, that would have been stupid. I really cant live my life knowing that I wouldn’tt have found certain solution to my problems if itwasn’t’t for soso'n'so, it binds me to the person, makes me wonder how I am going to cope if theweren’tnt around and its stuff like that that makes girls think irrationally when the blatant end of their relationship is drawing near but they just refuse to see it. They let these little things draw back into it so many times before they finally see the light. I on the hand have no problem leaving if I know you really didn’t make a difference in my life anyway and that I can do it on my own and that is how I like it to be. Maybe if I change my mind and get married I may have to change the attitude but I guess if am marrying the guy then he must have broken down a few precautionary walls already.

So basically these are the reasons why I am rubbish at relationships and as much as I meet guys that say they have never met a girl this 'hard' I know there are 101 others out there but I just happen to be very honest about it. And just to point it out I am NOT scared of commitment lol quite frankly I have had my fair share of madness and settling down wouldn’t be such a bad idea , however, I have not the time or temper for that matter for getting hurt. Nursing yourself out of a heart break takes time, time is money and well, I kinda need more of that so maybe, just maybe, being rubbish at relationships may be a little weird but its still perfectly normal ;)

The sixth weird but absolutely normal thing about me is...

I have only been properly in love once

I wont deny up to this point I would have denied this fact but in all earnestness I have only ever been in love with one person. Don’t get me wrong I love a lot of people, some of them maybe a bit too much for my own good, some of them friends of mine, some family, some people I have been in relationships with but I cant say I have been IN love with any of them. Emphasis on the 'IN'.

Some of y’all will at this point ask what the difference between loving someone and being IN love with someone is, well, the first distinction I always make is the fact that falling IN love with someone is a conscious decision, loving someone isn’t. You love your mother pretty much from when you are born, you cant control that. You love your friends and even when they piss you off to the absolute max you still do. Being IN love is slightly different, its a much more intense phenomenon. You tend to be IN love when you consciously decide to be with that person through thick or thin. When you know there will be difficulties and you decide to love them regardless and would do so even if the person don’t reciprocate the feeling. You make a decision to be there for that person and care for them. Its the decision to want to be near them and in some cases to share your body with them (even though you obviously not in love with everyone you sleep with).

Loving someone is different, you usually love someone because they have been nice to you or showed you some affection etc., its a natural reaction which I in no way will dispute and can happen 'by accident', however, you can easily love someone from a distance. You don’t necessarily have to see them all the time, I love my mother eternally but to be quite honest I prefer her at a distance and in small doses. Don’t change the fact that I love her and I cant stop doing so because once you love someone you always will. Deciding to be IN love with someone usually means that we feel the need to do so with the person around. When you love someone you expect them to know, when you IN love with someone you want to demonstrate it, at all times.

We tend slip and slide between being IN love with our partners and just loving them, I guess we have to periodically remind ourselves as to why we made that decision which is why I say its a conscious decision. If it were something that just happens then we wouldn’t fall out of love and be able to fall back into love with someone but we don’t tend to acknowledge that it involves our input. Sometimes we cant fall back IN love with someone in which case you were most likely just infatuated with the person, which really is just your hormones and logic playing tricks on your poor heart.

To make my point a bit easier I shall give examples, hopefully you will spot the differences.

So my first ever proper relationship was deep. We met, we kissed, we moved in together lol jk it wasn’t that quick but it did happen fast. The first time I met him I wasn’t all that attracted to him but I warmed to him eventually. As things got more serious I would spend time at his' and he at mine (I lived alone at that time and so did he) after a while it became tiresome and we decided to move in together. We both knew we loved each other, there was no question about that, the problem was that we both thought we were IN love with each other. We had quite a few issues, mainly concerning each other. Living together at that age was hard but we pulled through those things. The main issue was the fact that when you love someone you want them to be perfect, for themselves. You want them to do the best they can, you want them to succeed. When you love someone you still have time to think about whether the bills have been paid. When you are IN love none of that matters, all you care about is the person. As imperfect as they are you love em like that because all you want is to love them. Its probably what starts issues in most relationships, when it comes to the time where you have to renew your committed decision to be in love with the person, you still love them but then start to see the cracks in the wall and for a while you tend to quaver but usually you start seeing the things that made you want to be with them in the first place and things are back on track.

If you weren’t IN love in the first place however then these things tend to put a strain on the relationship. In my case it was my fathers death that gave everything the boot. At that point I was just like fuck it, I don’t WANT to do this and that was it. Now the problem is you don’t stop loving someone so up till now I cant (not that I want to) get him out of my life. We tried to get things going again a few times but it just wont work.

To my second scenario, a few years after my father died I met this guy (happened to be the previously talked about ex's friend but I wont go into detail) he was nice and that but he wasn’t really the kind I would be friends with normally. We got to know each other and after a while, after I had spent the day with him, I sat myself down and thought to myself. I want to be IN love with this person. I want to treat him like a king and shower him with affection, for no apparent reason. If I hadn’t made that decision I never would have had any feelings for him. As a matter of fact it turned out he had a girlfriend from before we met which in my book makes him an indecisive dickhead but I still decided I wanted to love him (stupid decision but that’s not the point, the fact that its not logical don’t change the fact that we decide to do it) so we were together for a few months and then it was time to move away to uni. I was still seeing him and he told me he was in love with me and that am bound to be his baby mama (like really?) and ish but at that point I decided that its pointless so I fell out of love with him then and there. I decided I didn’t want to care for him any more. Simple!

I hope you get the gist of what am saying. Am just tired of people telling me they cant leave abusive partners because they are IN love with them. Well, if you were then stop it and if you actually love him, unconditionally like a friend or family member then you should be able to do so from a distance. The most important thing Is your safety.

OK so that’s my take on it, I might be totally wrong I am more than willing for anyone to correct me but out of experience, this is how I understand love. But maybe I am not the right person to talk about this subject, after all most of my friends know me as a heartless gold-digger, which I am far from. As I said I have never been with anyone I didn’t love, the fact that I am not IN love with them might sound odd to some people but I just weren’t and to be honest I cant see myself actually making that open eyed decision to devote my whole self to them. I don’t think anyone is worth that sacrifice. You can have my body for all I care, after all, we all have needs but I cant see myself deciding to to do anything and everything for a person. That doesn’t change the fact that I treat a man like a king. I cook, I clean, I look pretty and make him happy all I ask is that he treats me like a queen in return. I just happen to have been with men that think showering me with gifts was the way to show I mattered to them and I didn’t object. If that’s a crime...sue me! Lol I have never let anyone treat me badly, abuse me or done anything I usually wouldn’t do just because they look after me or even asked for any of the things I received for that matter. I’ve just been me and that happened to get me certain privileges shrugs. Am sure gold-diggers actually have to put in a bit more effort than that and in all honesty, if I really intended on gold-digging I would have had a baby for one of them FOB drug/419 boys at clubs...might not have my student loan then lol.

Anyway yeah, so that’s why I have only been IN love once, because I havent been willing to do it again. Besides statistically people dont really fall in love till they are in their late 20s anyway.

So it might be a little weird, but its perfectly normal ;P

the fifth weird but normal thing about me is...

I cry way too much (and am not afraid to admit it). Lol

yes, I admit it, I am one big cry baby. Some friends of mine may be surprised but I am.

To be honest I only cry when I am frustrated or helpless rather than when I am upset or hurt.

Its kinda funny because when I am upset or fell lonely, I starve myself instead. Crazy huh, actually it ain’t, just like myself there are thousands of young women (and guys actually) that either lose appetite or eat excessively when upset. And to be honest I feel the need to point out Some have very deep issues such as depression and other mental disorders and find it very hard to cope. People tend to think that loosing appetite has to do with the fact that our body is too busy being upset to think of food but actually the weird thing about it is what goes on in some people's heads when going through an emotional crisis.

When I’m at my lowest, I feel like I need to be punished for feeling sorry for myself. I feel like being upset alone is making my problems worse and that I am a failure for letting emotions get in the way of things I do. Obviously that then makes things worse and I get even more upset but my point is that sometimes people aren’t just not eating because they are not hungry but there’s this little voice that tells you that you don’t deserve food, that you don’t deserve friends, you don’t deserve someone to care about you. A lot of the time I can hear my stomach rumbling and my head would would spin from dehydration and I’d ignore it. In some cases this is how eating disorders start off for a lot of young people. I for example get upset much more than people think but its just harder to detect when I put on a brave face so imagine having days on end where you don't eat and imagine that happening very frequently. Some people don’t have anyone to jolt them out of their misery (even if just temporarily) and at least make them pretend like they are OK (trust me, it makes such a difference just making someone pretend they are OK for a little while, it makes them remember what it like to be happy and sometimes they might even attempt to really enjoy themselves).

I, however, have kinda come to realise that (or re-realise lol) that certain things just wont help. Yes I do still tend to stay in bed for ages on end without food or socialising with anyone when I am upset but I am learning that even if my mind is telling me to punish my flesh I need to take that chance to feed my spirit. That’s the times I need Jesus the most...and that’s where the crying comes in. as I said, from a young age I never used to cry a lot unless I was in actual physical pain, or totally helpless and frustrated and I still do, but now I cry to god. You know how when people give immobile and unwell people those little bells so they can bring attention to themselves when they can do something themselves, (I never got that privilege, in an African household you better still have the strength to scream or get up and do it yourself otherwise you ain’t getting nothing done lol) well that’s what crying does. Its me telling god that I cant do it, that am helpless and that I need him.

It took me a while to grasp the whole concept of having to tell god you need him before he can really help you. For a long time I have just been quiet expecting him to come and sort my life out if its really his will and I wont lie, my prayer life is ridiculously patchy and I still haven’t been to church (willingly) for a while but rather than brood over things and let my soul grieve I actually show him how desperate I am. And to be honest if you ever going to show anyone that you are desperate for anything then you might as well let it be god, considering that he is the only one that can really help you. And I guess the funny thing is that it actually works, apart from the fact that its a good way to make yourself fall asleep at night, god actually hears your cries even if you say nothing.

So to conclude, yes, I am one big old cry baby. I cry at every little thing that hurts or upsets but not in front of people but for the help of the single person that can actually come to my aid and its a much better solution than other things I have tried to soothe my hurt or alleviate my frustration and I am not the only one that thinks its a great way to relieve some stress as even atheists will testify to it (even though they may have other theories as to why it helps).

And that is why being a cry baby may be slightly weird, but perfectly normal ;)

The fourth weird but normal thing about me is...

nothing makes me wanna sing more than when am worshipping god.

I know its such a religious cliché but I don’t even care.

I even have a little story to support my theory...

when I was doing my GCSE I chose music as one of my subject (obviously oblivious to the fact that I actually would have to play some kind of instrument at some point :s) so it was required of me to present a musical piece every few weeks or so and every week I sang a song out of the song books we kept at school depending on what topic or style we had to adhere to.

I wasn’t completely atrocious but I wasn’t singing 'anywhere near as good and powerful as my chest capacity should allow me' quoting the words of my singing coach. My pitch range is never gonna be enormous but we all knew I could do much better than what I was doing and my coach would continuously ask me to sing from my stomach ….like really? :s

I know that’ss what all coaches say but I justdidn’t’t get, I wareleasingg all the strength in my lungs when singing (almost suffocated on a high note once lol) but it justwasn’tt working.

So one time we had the assignment of composing ABABCA structured piece and I used one of my old compositions that I wrote. At first I was going to use a song called 'baby' which I wrote when I was like 14, lyrically it was good although the rhythm was a bit repetitive but it would have done fine but at some point halfway through editing the song I decided to use a different song I hadn’t titled but thinking about it now 'I’ll follow you' would have been appropriate. It was pretty much me telling god that I’ll trust him in everything I’ll do and I wrote it in a time I really needed to follow something because I was going off on a ridiculous path. So the day of performance came and I stood to sing this song...and hit every note perfectly. Obviously, I wrote the song to suit my vocal ability but I sang the song with such passion and strength tat at some point all I saw was my music class staring back at me surprised and me singing and smiling awkwardly not knowing whether to be pleased or be embarrassed. Then I started to think to myself, maybe my voice isn’t meant for secular music, strange, but that seems to be the matter of the fact. Don’t get me wrong I still listen to secular music and will sing along but when it comes to actually performing songs, I haven’t sang a song in public that wasn’t appropriate since that day.

All nice and good but then there was another problem. When my father died, I more or less lost interest in everything that meant something to me. I wanted to be a singer from when I was little, people were calling me up to come for choir practice at church and I just wasn’t up for it. For a long while I wouldn’t even sing along in my seat during church service. I just didn’t see the point in singing any more. To be honest, thinking about it, I probably wasn’t doing it for him from the get go, I think I just used church as a platform for people to see what I could do which I now know was wrong. I started to sing again on special occasions because praise has always been the most effective way I knew how to thank god and I started enjoying singing again but I couldn’t do it on a daily basis. Possibly the devil saw I was at least trying to get back to doing what god wanted me to and started throwing tribulations my way and I stumbled. Stumbled hard. To be frank with you all, I haven’t willingly gone to church in over a year. I just had this feeling of gods mercies not applying to me because of things I have done and gone through. But then the other day I had a crisis, a bad one. I don’t know how god does it but he does something to keep me here and maybe there is a reason why is keeping me here. Anyway I had someone special pray with me and give me a good telling off about the fact that I don’t sing any more and explained to me that I had a choice, either I sing for god, or I sing for the devil, its my choice but either has its consequences. I started realising how much I am depriving myself of by consciously deciding not to sing for him (even if just in my house), deciding not to do the little things I used to do such as pray, tithe, sow seeds etc.

going back over my life, yes I have been through extraordinary BS and it seems that everything I go through just leads to something else bad but I forget to think about the fact that point is I am still here, and even if I haven’t been restored to my former glory, I am on my way there or even aiming at better things.

Been reading the bible from top to end when I got to Noah story I realised that when god flooded the earth it look 150 days for the rain to stop so at that point the actual danger had been survived, however it took almost as much time as it stopped to rain for the flood to subside. Noah and his family were stuck in the ark for months, probably anxious to get out, but had to wait for all the water to dry up in order not to jeopardise the lives of any of the creatures on the ark as his whole mission was to keep them safe so that they could multiply. Sometimes it will take just as long if not longer for god to restore us to what we were before (or whatever he wants us to be) because he needs to make sure that everything is settled properly (the flood needs to completely recede) before he can let you go safely knowing you can be comfortable in the new state he will put you in.

anyway that’s just me going off on a tangent, basically I have realised that maybe I am the one making things difficult by expecting everything to go back to normal at once. Maybe I just need to go back to the things I enjoy doing, including praising god, and just wait till he thinks am ready to step out of my ark and start cultivating my life again.

And that is why only being good at singing gospel may be weird, but perfectly normal ;)